So now there's a guide pig on a plane flying from Philadelphia to Seattle. Five hours. Where does the animal relieve himself? Turns out, on the floor. But let's not ruin any of the surprises. Here's the flight chronology for your service logic and managerial enjoyment:
- The pig is seated in front of seats 1A and 1C -- with his rump sticking into the aisle.
- The pig is insulted by not being offered a
preflight cocktail.
- The pig paid no attention to the flight safety
announcements.
- The pig is given the menu for in-flight dining.
The pig eats the menu.
- The pig refuses the in-flight meal and is heard
muttering: "I'm not gonna eat that slop. Pigs have
standards you know."
- The pig is outraged when he discovers the meal
contains bacon.
- The pig gets into his first argument, insisting
on watching reruns of "Green Acres."
- The pig has to "use the facilities," mistakes
the aisle for the bathroom and relieves himself as
he wallows around the cabin. Flight attendants
immediately complain to their union that the airline
has not equipped them with pooper-scoopers and
secretly plan a work slowdown. (Don't worry -- when
airline employees "slow down" no one can tell.)
- The flight attendants become increasingly
frustrated that the pig is smelling worse than the
airplane bathrooms and demand that the pig fit under
the seat in front of the passenger -- but the joke's
on them because they're in the bulkhead, and this
means the pig would have to go in the overhead
cabin, and you know how slippery those 250-pound
devils are.
- Finally, the crew has had it and confronts the
pig's owners about the rudeness and ill manners of
the pig -- whereupon the pig snorts the infamous,
"Don't you know who I am?" line.
- By the end of the flight, the pig was going "hog wild," if you'll excuse the expression. Cavorting and you-know-what-ing all over the cabin. But -- pigs will be pigs.
